Breaking News: GH to rise to the occasion

Holy Shnikes! The SILVER wedding anniversary of Luke and Laura Spencer is but months away. (Gawd I feel soooo old!) In honor of the occasion General Hospital is going to awaken Laura from her catatonic state in time to smoosh a piece of cake in her beloved Luke's face. (So what if they're divorced. We know their love will never die.)
Who woulda thunk this timeless union began with a dancefloor rape? (To Herb Alpert's sleazy disco tune Rise, nonetheless!)
This will be like a class reunion of sorts. Names I expect to see on the guest list: Robert Scorpio (brought back from the dead); Scotty Baldwin (if he behaves and doesn't lunge for the bouquet again); Bobbie Spencer with that handsome Dr. Noah Drake on her arm; Drs. Alan and Monica Quartermaine (reunited, and it feels soooo good); Laura's parents, Rick (also not dead, turns out Laura didn't kill him and he woke up one day and found Bobby Ewing in his shower) and Lesley; those wacky Templeton sisters (Northern Exposure alum Janine Turner and real-life Mrs. Robinson Demi Moore) and what the heck, why not let Liz Taylor push her latest perfume "The Ice Princess."
So get there early my peeps. I hear Richard Simmons will be running a pre-celebration aerobics class in the Campus Disco.
luke and laura general hospital

Eddie's ready...

...For that big bowl
of kibble in the sky.
R.I.P. Moose

eddie

Rather's departure as unexpected as triplets

They've got a saying in Wink, Texas: if you want to get cool, drink hot coffee. Unfortunately Dan Rather thought they said "hot water." After Memogate, CBS was as friendly to him as an angry scorpion in the toe of a cowboy boot. They deep-sixed his contract faster than Paris Hilton loses a sex tape.
If there was someone to blame in all this, my guess it was Kenneth, whose frequency was as mysterious as Loch Nessie's whereabouts. Perhaps he held the authentic memos about President Bush's so-called military "career" that would have rocketed Rather's career higher than the Grateful Dead in Jamaica on spring break.
Instead the colonoscopy-pushing Cutie Couric is in like Flynn and 'Nam-tested Journalist Rather is out like gout.
He's a man who was born on Halloween, attended an elementary school called Love, covered history-making stories such as Vietnam, Kennedy's assassination, Iran Contra and even broke the Abu Ghraib prison abuse story. Such a storied career and he's brushed away like coke dust under Kate Moss's nose.
Courage. NO... curaje mi amigo.
dan rather

Connie Chung: Dull as melba toast

"Uuggghhhh!"

That's what Connie Chung uttered as she rolled off a grand piano in the midst of her news talk show's swan song. Dressed in a gown borrowed from Ariel the Little Mermaid and singing in a key that made doves cry in Minnesota, Chung waxed clumsily about hubby Maury Povich's punditry skills. Here's a sample:

"Thanks for the memories
The thing I love the most
About hubby as co-host
Is all those other anchors were as dull as melba toast
The sparks really flew
Thanks for the memories
Now that the show is through
I've got bigger things to do
But Maury is back weighing in:
Fat babies, how taboo!
He can't get enough..."

That last line, do ya think it's a jab at Creepy Hubby Maury who it seems can't get enough (at least according to a $100M sexual harassment lawsuit he's been slapped with from an employee)?
Chung plopped onto the floor at the end of her torch song, in faux Shakespearean dramatic flair, extinguishing any shred of credibility she had left. She's no Madonna; she's no Marilyn Monroe. At least she'll keep the YouTube crowd content for awhile. Connie's performance reminds me of that Monty Python joke, "What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"
Chung dung, indeed.
connie chung

Desperate Meerkats

So just when I think I'm weaned off reality TV and destressed from 24 for the summer, I surf across Meerkat Manor tonight. Aw, such cute and intelligent animals. This should be light summer fare.
WRONG!

This clan is D-Y-S-F-U-N-C-T-I-O-N-A-L, Akeelah!

Flower shows her power by reigning over the burrow. She's got three sluts for daughters who have a taste for that Meerkat Mambo King, Carlos and are filling up the burrow with their out-of-wedlock babies. Flower's other children let her newborn babies play in traffic (translation: under watchful eyes of birds with beaks the size of a Prius).
Then in a story line ripped from Shakespeare (who also has a bit part, dragging his sorry self home after a bad rap from Sean "Puffy Adder") we learn Flower's adoring mate Zaphod is her jilted lover's brother. {CUE: Scary wobbly chord on a pipe organ.}
And no, his name is not Earl. It's Youssarian. He's a bit Catch 22, but is more wigged-out Col. Walter Kurtz from Apocalypse Now.
In tonight's episode, he played "let's drag out the O-O-W grandchildren and see if they melt in the midday sun." Psycho killer, qu'est-ce que c'est? Then he threw his head back and chortled, "I love the smell of millipedes in the morning. They smell like victory. Bwoo-hahh-haaahhh!"
meerkat manor youssarian

Eye bags & Scalawags

In what had the potential to be the biggest sparring match since the "Thrilla in Manilla," Leno had a sendipitous paring of comedian George Carlin and attention monkey Ann Coulter last night. Unfortunately, the repartee was more dippy than hippy. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz! Yeah, so I slept through it. What's it to ya?
The thing that caught my eye was the lack of stress bags under Carlin's eyes.

Hippy Dippy Nippy Tucky?

In a real moment of hippy dippy serendipity, tonight I saw Mary Matalin on Fox and realized her suddenly smooth eye bags matched Carlin's. In fact, she kinda looked like him. So if Ann Coulter is really a man, maybe Carlin is really a woman ... MARY MATALIN! Yikes. Makes ya want to take a non-stop flight.
george carlin ann coulter mary matalin leno

Air NeoCon

In the National Review, John J. Miller offers his list of the 50 greatest conservative rock songs. Miller says of his choices that "The lyrics must convey a conservative idea or sentiment, such as skepticism of government or support for traditional values."

In that vein, here are a few songs that might be better suited for the NeoCon Top 10.

For The Love Of Money by the O'Jays (Money, did some things, bad things, bad things with it...)
Maria Bartiromo by Joey Ramone (What's happening on Wall Street...)
Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival (The name says it all.)
Dream Police by Cheap Trick (An early ode to the NSA.)
Strange Brew by Cream
Under My Thumb by the Rolling Stones
Low Spark of High Heeled Boys by Traffic (And the man in the suit has just bought a new car, From the profit he's made on your dreams...)
Evil Ways by Santana
Whipping Post by Allman Brothers (I've been run down, I've been lied to...)
War Pigs by Black Sabbath
Sorry John Boy, but we retain The Who's Won't Get Fooled Again, as in (hopefully) the next presidential election.
john j. miller 50 greatest conservative rock songs neocon

Help! He needs somebody. Help! Not just anybody. HEEELLLLPPPP!

It's been quite uncomfortable reading all the lurid accusations about Sir Paul McCartney's estranged wife. When he was younger so much younger than today, he never needed anybody's help in any way. He had a solid marriage with his vegetarian shutterbug soul mate Linda. It was so sad when she died.
After all his success as a Beatle, McCartney has achieved a comfortable status as beloved grandpa of modern rock 'n' roll. But as my mother always said, women mourn and men replace. And Sir Paul did rather quickly with a woman half his age.
We cut him slack when he married Heather Mills. Who are we to judge? Besides, the poor thing lost a leg in a horrible accident and did charity work for land mines victims. That's worth some bonus points. Right?
Well as the marriage disintegrated, so did the halcyon picture of Ms. Mills' past. Since their separation, the never subtle British press has painted her as a scheming golddigger, lesbo porn queen and menage a trois-er with arms dealer Adnan Kashoggi. Can you say lurid with a capital L?
On Heather's Web site, her sister Fiona offers a she-doth-protest-too-much snippet from their dark childhood, showing how their abusive father made Heather who she is today:

{CUE: Ride of the Valkyries} "He used his young children like slaves; we began working for him from a very young age, helping him to realise his dream of staging an animated version of Richard Wagner’s “Ring Cycle”. We were frequently forced to stay awake well into the night, cutting up slides, preparing his presentations and writing correspondence for him."

Wow, that's a Dickens of an explanation... a veritable Tale of Two Heathers. Maybe if we played a few Beatles albums backwards we would understand?
heather mills paul mccartney

Making music through fair trade

The late Fr. Brian Zinnamon, S.J., (see photo) challenged his students at Strake Jesuit College Prep in Houston "to be as creative and enthusiastic in our charitable work as we are in our professional lives," Bill Nguyen said. You may not have heard of Bill Nguyen but my guess is you will be reading about him soon.
Nguyen and partner John Cogan have created a new concept in music trading. Their site lala.com offers a have/want CD trading registry. For $1.49, you can buy a used CD you've been missing from your collection. When you sign up, lala sends postage paid shipping enveloped to sellers. All CDs are guaranteed.
Of that $1.49, 49 cents covers postage and $1 pays for the CD. The cool thing about lala is that it will send 20 percent of that dollar to the artist, something that used CD stores are not required to do.

Each month, lala will donate a portion of its profits to the Z Foundation, named in Fr. Zinnamon's honor. This money will be used for "providing health and dental care that is often inaccessible to working musicians."

I like the sound of this concept and it's impressive that there are already 1.8 million titles listed in their registry.
lala.com bill nguyen

The Festivus for the Rest of Us

Just one more hour 'til
DEPPSTER DAY.
Yes boys and girls, it's that special day when we don angora sweaters, run with scissors and get commemorative "Wino Forever" tattoos. Strum a few verses of Black Betty as you strut with your gypsy guitar. Go into the neighborhood cantina and order a large dish of puerco pibil, shoot the (breeze with the) chef and leave. For dessert have a nice vat of Chocolat, and purr like that Cajun chef Justin Wilson, "Ooh, look Pontouf, dats a lovely Roux."
johnny depp chocolat

Ann Coulter — Attention monkey

There once was a pundit name Ann,
Who everyone figured for a man,
At 9/11 widow's she did scoff,
To feed at the bestsellers trough,
What's she, auditioning for the Klan?

There once was an Ann-man so mean,
like the bitchiest of bitchiest drag queen,
Her personal attacks were so scurrilous,
And her sense of authority so ridiculous,
'Cause man, she ain't no human bean.

There once was an Attention Monkey,
Who thought her ravings were spunky,
But this horse's ass,
Was just full of gas,
So that's why she's so funky.

ann coulter attention monkey

Giddy, yep!

After Apocalypse Now and before Boyz in The Hood, Laurence Fishburne's tour de farce was a recurring role on Pee-wee's Playhouse: Cowboy Curtis.

Fishburne's golly-gee delivery of silly lines with an adult edge was one of the highlights of this creative kids show. Its writers included Paul Reubens and SNL great Phil Hartman.
Today came the good news that Cartoon Network will show all the PWP episodes made, starting July 10. They will be part of the Adult Swim lineup.
Boy howdy!!!
pee-wee's playhouse laurence fishburne cartoon network

Keith Olbermann crushes your head

Keith, Keith, Keith. Now we know you detest, despise and really do not take a shine to that little bugger O'Reilly, but the tenacity with which you're bludgeoning him over his Malmedy "Fox pas" is bordering on I-Crush-Your-Head-guy-ish-ness.
Not that we're not taking delight in it.
keith olbermann bill o'reilly

Target: Icons

Nothing says Oh, Canada more than Tim Hortons doughnuts. That's why an April 2 news story that was practically buried in the U.S. media had a different effect north of the border. On that date, a man went into the rest room of a Toronto Tim Hortons and set himself and most of the room on fire. Canadian authorities said immediately that it was not terror.
However, there are a couple key points to the story. First of all, the doughnut shop was next to the entrance to Toronto's biggest subway station and near the intersection of two of its busiest streets, Yonge and Bloor. Second, according to investigators there was evidence the explosive was not gasoline, as the public was told, but TATP — the same explosive used in last summer's London terror bombings.
So today we hear that Canada has nabbed a rogues gallery of 17 "al-Qaida wannabes" who had plans in place to attack several Canadian targets with amassed amonium nitrate (three times the amount used in the Oklahomas City blast).
Is there a tie between the two? Who knows. The Toronto Star did report that the investigation that led to the nabbing of these suspects began by monitoring their Internet activities where they were inspired to avenge oppression of Muslims. According to the Star:

"They travelled north to a "training camp" and made propaganda videos imitating jihadists who had battled in Afghanistan. At night, they washed up at a Tim Hortons nearby."

OK, so now I'm totally creeped out. Geez, it's pretty sad when you're afraid to have coffee and a doughnut in public.
tim hortons toronto terror

Axl to grind

If you tried, you probably couldn't have imagined the recent smackdown pairing of fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger and rocker Axl Rose at a Manhattan club called The Plumm. How bizaarh, how bizaarh.

Now, thanks to these new sparring partners, we know it is possible to think outside the smackdown box.

So, my peeps, what other Twilight Zone-esque fisticuff combos might be fun to imagine? As Rod Serling would say, here are a few submitted for your approval:

Simon Cowell vs. Alex Trebek

Lindsay Lohan vs. Paula Deen

Eddie Izzard vs. Donald Rumsfeld

Haley Joel Osment vs. Yao Ming

Katie Couric vs. Bjork (in the swan outfit)

Keith Richards vs. Carrie Underwood

50 Cent vs. Tucker Carlson

Ann Coulterbeast vs. Alexis Arquette

weather god Jim Cantore vs. weathered goddess Liza Minelli

Starr Jones vs. Joan Jett

See, it's fun. Make your own list today!
axl rosetommy hilfigerjim cantore

The other inconvenient truth

In an explosive article in Rolling Stone today, Robert Kennedy Jr. makes the following statement about the 2004 presidential election:

"After carefully examining the evidence, I've become convinced that the president's party mounted a massive, coordinated campaign to subvert the will of the people in 2004."

He talks at great length about why the final results puzzled exit pollers whose findings showed John Kerry had a commanding lead.
That election night, I "watched" the results come in, not on TV network news but on the Democrat and Republican blogs. There was an unbridled giddyness in the Kerry blogger camp when they compared exit polls across the country. And I remember the source of that joy was the fact that it looked like Ohio was "in the bag."
It will be interesting to see what is stirred up by Kennedy's article. These days nothing out of Washington would surprise me.
robert kennedy jr. 2004 election

Poetic justice — Dixie Chicks style

So I suspect there are more than a few people getting a good laugh that the latest album from the Dixie Chicks has debuted in the No. 1 spot on Billboard's Top 200.
The group has truly been Taking The Long Way back into the spotlight since Natalie Maines made the mortal sin of criticizing the president (saying she was "ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas") during the War on Terror. How dare she! Next thing you knew they were pulling Dix Chix tunes from Bible Belt airwaves. The band's CDs, tapes and concert tix were dumped into trash cans at a Dixie Chicken Toss in Kansas City, Mo. Maines was made the 6 of hearts on the "Deck of Weasels" playing cards inspired by the Iraqi Most Wanted cards distributed to U.S. troops. A true sign she was Un-Amurican!

So I just bought the album. It's great. And as I listened the first time through I had to laugh to myself. There is no modern singer whose voice is more American-sounding than Ms. Maines.

Here's a bet. Their album-closing tune penned with Keb' Mo', I Hope, is destined to become embraced by the Peace Movement as its new anthem.
More proof that what goes around comes around.
dixie chicks