Killing them softly with Kobe

All Hail Harold Dieterle, Top Chef. He wowed the Sopranos' Dr. Jennifer Melfi, bada-bing, bada-boom, with his Kobe/Kobe masterpiece.
Tiffani deserved to lose for two reasons. First, she lied to the judges about the dessert that was all Dave PEPPER MONKEY Martin's work. Grrrrrrrr. Second, hate the spelling of her name. Third, lose the Willie Nelson bandana. (So I lied.)
Now if Leigh Ann or my beloved PEPPER MONKEY had been in the finals, that would have been far more interesting. Kudos to Tiff for going full tilt with twice the required dishes, tho.
harold dieterle dr. jennifer melfi pepper monkey

American Idol finale: Cirque du So Lame

Did you feel like you were watching a house fire tonight? You were mesmerized by the flames of weirdness yet feared you'd miss something if you surfed away.
Tonight's American Idol finale was a little bit Gong Show, a whole lotta Lawrence Welk.
Freakiest moment: When the spawn of Chris Gaines and Pee Wee Herman came on stage to sing a duet with the Clay Aiken wannabe.
WTF moment: McMeat Loaf???!!!!
Desperate Housewife moment: The Prince surprise.
We had the gratuitous Burt Bachrach salute. We had the e-coli-mari moment (nothing like spit out snail in a napkin to boost ratings). We had the William Hung Wacks Museum.
Oh yeah, that Taylor dude won. Whoo!
clay aiken american idol prince mcmeat loaf

American Idol tightwads

With all the kazillions of bucks American Idol drags in from advertising and moychandizing, you'd think they'd be able to afford some good songwriters. Every year the finalists' first recorded song choice is gooey marshmallow fluff wrapped in cotton candy with maple syrup drizzled on top.
Yawn, predictable key changes and blecch, raise you up moment like this-vibed lyrics. Such dreadful dreck!

Despite that, Taylor Hicks whoo-ed the crowd tonight with his soulful rendition of Do I Make You Proud. The answer? Yes, dear Taylor, yes indeed.

Have you ever seen an AI tour show? Skeleton sets, Kmart costumes. 60 Minutes really ought to investigate where all the AI money is spent. Not on songwriters. Not on the tour. And you know it can't be on Simon Cowell's wardrobe.
taylor hicks american idol

You can't handle the truth...

After one helluva day, now Jack Bauer's on a slow boat to China??? Does this mean the show will be renamed 48 or 72? (Or however many days it takes to sail to China from L.A.?)
Man, another unfulfilling ending. Unlike Mike Delfino, at least Jack got a farewell smooch.
I want happy people here, people. You better deliver Taylor on American Idol and Harold on Top Chef or it's gonna get pretty nasty here.
(Who's got Jack's techno-backpack-o-torture?)
jack bauer taylor hicks harold dieterle mike delfino

Finales, finally

After this week I'm free baby. No more breath holding during 24 on Monday nights. No more enduring Ryan Seacrest's canned pineapple "banter." And no more Pepper Monkey on my Top Chef back. (Oops, he's already gone. C'mon Harold, you chicken winger, don't let yourself become that bitch's bitch.)
Just got through the Desperate Housewives finale. As Jerry Garcia would say, we were set up like bowling pins. When the show starts we think...

Oops SPOILER ALERT! That is if you're reading this in Fairbanks right this second. YOU THERE, AVERT YOUR EYES!!!

...Carlos Solis has bitten the dust. But no, he's shag carpeting the housemaid. Instead, now here's an original plotline, Mike Delfino gets...

KEEP YOUR EYES AVERTED THERE BUCKO

...dead or pretty close to it.
C'mon, couldn't Mike and Susan have enjoyed just one lousy smooch under the pretty paper lanterns before Mr. Season Cliffhanger had to spoil the party?
mike delfino desperate housewives top chef 24

Sprechen zie Gaeilge?

Yeah, it's an election year. Could you tell by the three-cheers-for-the-red-white-&-blue legislation flying around Congress?
Today's buzz is that the Senate voted English as our official, common language. Cest fou! Why not choose something a little more interesting, a little more endangered.
I say, let's make Gaeilge (Irish Gaelic) our official teanga.
Here's a sample lesson:

Is maith liom Guinness.
(Iss my lum Guinness.)
I like Guinness.

Easy enough, right?
Let's try a little Spangaeilge:

Ar mhaith leat burrito?
(Air waw lat burrito?)
Would you like a burrito?

Piece of cake. Right?
Donde esta casa de Guinness?
english guinness gaeilge

The Ordinary Fear of TOFOG

If there's one thing that's really stupid, it's media critics who assume a person in any creative genre can only be allowed to excel in that medium.
Maybe it's because many critics are not creative to begin with — like parasites they sponge their miserable existence off the success of others.
Truth is, creativity spills into all aspects of the creative person's life from the way they dress, cook dinner, to the way they arrange desktop music playlists.
Look at the drubbing Russell Crowe and his band TOFOG have gotten in mainstream American press. Sorry, he can only be a brilliant actor, not a music star too. DUH!

I'm here to TESTIFY (I know, gratuitous reference to the great song off My Hand My Heart) that not only is his music great, his lyrics haunting and poetic, but his band is one of the most electric bands I've seen in concert (saw them in August 2001 at the famed Stone Pony).

Back then they were Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts. Now with some new members they're known as The Ordinary Fear of God. (Very thoughtful of Russell for all of us with TOFOG T-shirts and bumper stickers.) Ignore the critics; make up your own mind about Russell Crowe's music. His wife Danielle Spencer also multitask's creatively. (What a beautiful voice.)
tofog russell crowe danielle spencer

Fear Factor du jour

Need something to worry about? Here are some suggestions:
Strolling through Florida's Alley of Alligator Death. (Basically it's the whole darned state.)
Contracting the X Files-like Morgellons Disease on a visit to Texas. This mysterious disease causes lesions from which colored fibers grow. A common sympstom is the feeling that bugs are crawling under your skin. Fox Mulder, where are you!!!
Or, you can attend the GoreAlpalooza Fest, that is Al Gore's film about the global warming crisis, An Inconvenient Truth.
Good luck sleeping, my peeps!
alligator

Reality TV crap shoot

My peeps didn't do so well tonight.
Elliot's gone from AI.
Dave the original "Pepper Monkey" blew his chance to become the Top Chef by cooking two and not three dishes for his final quickfire challenge. (Pass me the bottle of wine. I need a good snort.) Must say, I loved it when he reacted like he'd been hit by lightning when Tiffani tried to give him the so-sorry-your-ass-has-been-booted-off hug.
At least Danielle (I need subtitles for my Arkansasian-speak) won America's Next Top Model. (Man, was that runway walk setting in Thailand the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, or what?)
So I had a one outta three day.
At the beginning of AI, I made my Final Three prediction: Taylor, Paris & Ace. Again, one outta three.
Who's got those odds in the Preakness?
America's Next Top Model

American Idol is a bunch of ya-meanies

Elliot Yamin.

How could you not love this guy? Genuine. An old-school soul singer. So un-Wonderbreadish. Alas, anyone with the courage to invoke the spirit of Donny Hathaway on prime-time TV would never get the AI tiara. What were we thinking?
He was shown the door too soon — just like Mandisa and Paris, the best other singers on the show. In an AI4 redux, we're left with the "sappy singing sweetheart" versus the "soulful Alabaman."
Taylor Hicks is a wheeze. Good pipes, great entertainer and easy on the eyes. WHOO! I'll hop on that Soul Patrol Train.
Kat "McSkeeve." What is it about that chick that bugs the heck out of me? If you had to define her with adjectives, genuine, modest and humble wouldn't make my list. She is very pretty, but in a cloying Miss America from hell way. She can belt out songs, but so could Ethel Merman. And why were those mean judges picking on her so? Was it because her voice drifted from the key and screeched in the fauxzone of Xtina too often?
You know she's heading for the silver confetti coronation next week. UGH. How long before she gets the Kelly Clarkson chunx highlights in her hair. MEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!
Guess I feel a bit better after that purge. Thanks for humoring me.
Elliot, love ya man.
Elliot Yamin

Hamilton Beached Wail

Yo dawgs, stick with me for a second. Suppose you take a couple basics of conspiracy theory, add a dash of pop culture and put 'em in the Hamilton Beach blender on puree. Whaddya get? How 'bout a whacked take on the events of May 9-11.
(Fasten your seat belts, this is gonna be a bumpy ride.)

What if...

The White House knew that USA Today was going to rip loose with the NSA phone call tracking story today, and so to distract the nation, Karl Rove had his goons rig the American Idol results!!! The 45 million voters would be up in arms and fugghedabout the fact that some NSA spook knows they voted for Chris Daughtry a gazillion times. (As if their votes really ever count.)

Yeah, you're right. I have been watching too much 24
(Anyone else notice those dates are 9-11?)
Chris Daughtry

Definitive moment

Pepper Monkey (noun): A person who doesn't know when to stop seasoning, a la Top Chef contestant Dave Martin who shook too much of the tellicherry on his Truffle & Cognac Cream Macaroni and Cheese.
pepper monkey