Pepper Monkey

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2008-03-19T17:02:00.002-05:00

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Top Chef 7th Course: Scrambled tasty waves

2006-12-07T00:15:00.000-05:00

Today the nine chefs were asked to create a mouthwatering entree, but as Padma said, "you can't cook anything." They were taken to a fresh air market where there was an abundance of fresh, good ingredients.
El Wolfman created a plate that he said included a "watermelon steak" and it won the challenge. Ilan was not elated and said "The reason he won was because he called it a steak and it was really just a stack of watermelon."
Wolfman proceeded to do the "immunity dance," shuffling while he sing-songed "I'm not going to get e-lim-in-ated."
For the elimination challenge, the chefs were told to prepare a breakfast for athletes but they were not told where they would be cooking or what facilities for cooking or utensils, pots & pans, etc. would be there.
Turns out the athletes were surfer dudes and dudettes and the chefs were cooking sandside @ Malibu Beach. They had a bonfire encased by cement blocks, some skillets, blankets for them to present their buffets and hovering, hungry seagulls. These were not the ideal conditions for making a quiche as Frank found out. He was in the bottom three with Cliff who made a scary looking scrambled-something served in a bowl (!) and Sam the Hot Diabetic's green eggs and a toad in the hole (avec oddly stuck strawberry). Elia (who every week looks more and more like a frontrunner) won with a sweet/salty pancakey rollup thingey.
I almost couldn't watch the judges' decision. Both Cliff and Sam THD are dear to my culinary heart. So a major Phew! when Frank was booted for committing the mortal sin of serving burned eggs.
top chef

Top Chef 6th Course: Can the turkey day

2006-11-23T12:06:00.000-05:00

Quickfire: Our remaining 10 chefs had 15 minutes to whip up haute cuisine using food pantry-style canned foods. It was something Mia could identify with, she said, because she'd been homeless once and "I'm not scared to cook out of a can."
Her fearlessness earned her a spot on the winning immunity side with Sam, Frank, Ilan and Cliff.That left Mike, Betty, Elia, Marcel and Carlos to cook a cutting edge Thanksgiving dinner.The rub was they had to cook within their living quarters. Marcel and Mike went into one side where Marcel cleared the cooking surface by dumping Frank "the crazy wildebeest's" tooth brush on the floor. (He in turn threatened Marcel, in-yo-face Sopranos-style.)
They cooked their feast for their opponents and the judges table, which tonight included haute-hot-haute Anthony Bourdain. Mike charmed Anthony in such a way that he said "Betty Crocker & Charles Manson had a love child and he's cooking for me." Bourdain added, "I love you like a son." Yes, he was amused by Mike's bouche but also by his cojones to make a twice-baked potato and plate-o-random cheese cuts. In closing Bourdain said to Mike, "Focus, dude." Awww, trés Yoda-esque!
Elia won points for her tasty creamy mushroom soup. (Whoa, girl! Don't get too cutting edge there.) Marcel let the good turkey roulade with a side o' cranberry gel with foam on top. That was the cuttingest of edges, this episode. Betty the Brulee Bitch was snarky when they said her dessert was little more than pumpkin pie filling in a dish. "I do comfort food!" she doth protested ... too much.
And then there's Carlos who went way out there... he put roasted butternut squash on bagged mesclun. That salad was a turkey, indeed! Guess who was told to pack up his salad spinner and leave?
Most quizzical Colicchio quote: "I find when you work with clams and coconut they have to be iced." Sounds like Sopranos code for a hit.
top chef anthony bourdain

Mirror, mirror on the ball, who's the best...

2006-11-15T23:41:00.000-05:00

Dancer of 'em all? Well tonight, props to Emmitt Smith and his partner Cheryl Burke for winning the Dancing With the Stars title. Wonder if Burke will go for a trifecta next year?
Emmitt's remarks were classy, as always, toward Mario Lopez, who I really thought would win. I think it came down to the fact that not only should the dancing be by the book, it should be fun. After all, dance was created as a form of socialization. And Emmitt always looked like he was having a blast on the dance floor.
Congrats again to the victors and to all the dancers for making this the most competitive season yet.
*******
In regard to my predictions this year, I was wrong with Michael winning Project Runway, then wrong with Mario winning this. So I'll say Marcel will win Top Chef and be wrong. (That's fine with me cause I want Sam the "hot diabetic" to win.)
emmitt smith dancing with the stars

Top Chef 5th Course: Beef cheeks & pigs feet... yum-o!

2006-11-15T23:16:00.000-05:00

Parts is parts they say. And boy were the leftover parts on display for tonight's Quickfire challenge. Wolfman Marcel dove first for the pig's blood (and yes Betty, we think he's more Wolfman than vampire — six of one, half a dozen of the other).
Sam "the hot diabetic" knows his parts and won the QF challenge easily.
Next, their elimination challenge was to cook a multicourse meal for actress Jennifer Coolidge and 60 of her closest friends at the restaurant Social.
The chefs paired up into teams. Wolfman Marcel and his "prom date" Frank took some salmon and made a "gnarly tartare" (two words that make you cringe when spoken together). Mike, he late of the Snickers/cheetos turd amuse bouche, and Ilan made a good looking paella topped with a soft-shelled crab. It made you think, whoa. Mike's been such a playah, making you think he was just a slob pub-grubber cook and here he was making an elegant dish. Hmmm.
Pigtailed Marissa and sharp, pointy Josie (who has such a low self-esteem... NOT!) were bounced out by a frowny Colicchio. Maybe he was just snarky because he had to play watchdog in the kitchen after last week's run-in with the truth.
top chef

Trophy "wives"

2006-11-14T22:35:00.000-05:00

Well, there's one thing certain about the Dancing With the Stars finale. Emmitt and Mario wouldn't be there if it weren't for their fab dancing partners, trophy-getting "wives."
Cheryl Burke is the reigning queen, after she and Drew Lachey roped the trophy in last year's finale. But make no mistake, Karina (no one can say her name the way Mario does, sigh) Smirnoff isn't part of the desperate trophy wives club. She's a footworking force on her own!
So here's how I score tonight's finale rounds:
Round One: Same music challenge (to Stevie Wonder's Sir Duke). Both danced the samba.
Emmitt and Cheryl looked a bit halting out of the gate. Emmitt was charming as always, despite his Gatorade-colored shoes. Mario & Karina were much smoother, although Len said he missed his running promenade steps. I would have called this even or with a slight advantage to M&K.
Round Two: Fave dance challenge
Emmitt and Cheryl brought back their hot and saucy mambo. It smoked! Ever as hot as the original performance. I grinned with glee when I heard Mario and Karina would reprise their "Mariachi" pasa doble. Ay-yi-yi-yi, indeed! Tie.
Round Three: Freestyle
Emmitt and Cheryl put on their MC Hammer-genie ware in their final dance. When they did the sidestepping funky footwork it was so fab, but I cringed everytime he lifted Cheryl. It was a bit painful to watch.
With this round, I think Mario and Karina won the title. Their street-style dance featured breakdancing and splits, moves only a younger body than retired NFL champ Smith's could achieve. Will Mario's superior skill outweigh Emmitt's devastating charm? Or will it be the performances of the trophy "wives" that brings home the title?
dancing with the stars mario lopez emmitt smith

Desperate Designing Women

2006-11-13T23:51:00.000-05:00

On Sunday's Desperate Housewives I was straining to figure out who the actress was playing Orson's (Mr. Bree's) mother. Was that a very gray Veronica Cartwright? Nooo. I wracked my brain. It wasn't until I was watching Naomi & Wynona Judd sing their duet today at the Martin Luther King Jr. memorial dedication that the answer was triggered in my pea-brain. Why of course, it was a very gray Dixie Carter. Ooh, no wonder why she was so good. On Designing Woman she played the Helen Gurley Brown version of a latter-day Bree. Trivia buffs will get a kick out of learning that Carter's personal assistant on DW was none other than Marc Cherry, creator and head writer of DH! What goes around...

Boy, DH has suddenly really picked up the pace. Last week's Shootout at the OK Grocery episode will be considered one of those where-were-you-when-X-happened episodes. This episode was one of those plot moveralongers.

I'm annoyed by a couple story lines. I can't warm up to Susan's new Michael Schiavo-esque squeeze. I want Susan and Mike to have, oh what the heck, three minutes of bliss for an episode. What surprises me is the lighter side of Orson, sometimes his tete a tetes with Bree are delightful. But then his creepy face comes on. Speaking of creepy, I knew that guy who hit Annie Oakley in the OK Grocery with a can of chickpeas had a Mark Foley side.

Stay tuned. Can't wait to see what dark secrets Miss Dixie wants to share.

desperate housewives

Their pal Joey

2006-11-09T23:56:00.000-05:00

Mario Lopez and Emmitt Smith bade farewell to dancing pal Joey Lawrence on the semifinal results show for Dancing With the Stars. It was very touching how all the dancers rallied 'round Joey and Edyta for their emotional farewell dance.
The pair really danced their hearts out and performed some clever routines during the season.
For next week's finale Mario and Emmitt will have to dance three different dances, but ala American Idol, they will dance one to the same music. (I think Carrie Ann Inaba is going to need a pair of Depends.)
I'm sure the show will be great. Emmitt oozes funky fun and charisma and absolutely deserves a spot in the Top 2. But after that razor-sharp precision tango by Mario and Karina, I think they already won the title of best dancers.
dancing with the stars mario lopez

Top Chef 4th course: Not-so-amuse bouche

2006-11-09T23:30:00.000-05:00

The kitchen quippery of Chef Mike provided an assortment of not-so-amuse bouche soundbites. He was not happy about the Quickfire Challenge in which they had to creat an amuse bouche, a little mouthful to amuse the palate, using ingredients from a vending machine. His ingredients — crunchy Cheetos and a Snickers — inspired these outbursts:

"Screw this! Screw the Quickfire today! ... Now I have to do this Cracker Jack challenge!"

When guest judge Chef Suzanne Goin took at look at his ... uh ... Snickers turd with a Cheeto feather she snapped at him "I get this vibe... nobody kidnapped you..."
My fave Wolfman Marcel Quickfire du jour quote: "No oysters in the vending machine." Thank God!!! (Unless they sold them only in months ending in -er...)
The episode was called Rabbit Food and for this reason. Their Elimination Challenge was to create a meal of less than 500 calories (as pre-counted by team-assigned nutritionists) for kids at Camp Glucose. (I assume you won't find s'mores on the menu there!)
Bada-Bing Betty bloated her meringue cookies by using Splenda instead of sugar (although if you need a special effect, it makes authentic looking pools of cat vomit). So the next day, she used sugar instead. This of course led to a moral crisis during the judging because she was on the winning team. Sam "the hot diabetic" (as the girls at Camp Glucose dubbed him observantly) let the cat vomit out of the bag when he alluded to the fact that rules weren't being followed, that people were squirting extra olive oil on their dishes. Flava-flaving it up, so to speak.
The show ended with Tom Colicchio putting every chef in that "animal cookhouse" on double secret probation.
top chef amuse bouche tom colicchio

Top Chef 3rd course: Greetings from Smurfland

2006-11-01T23:16:00.000-05:00

Things got quite hairy for Wolfman Marcel during tonight's quickfire challenge. The chefs had about three hours to make an ice cream that they would let the public judge. So of course, in a display of his signature "avant garde molecular gastronomy," Marcel chilled up a batch of avocado & bacon ice cream. {Fave shot: kids spitting it out into their napkins.}
The other challenge involved creating a dish that TGI Fridays could put on their menu — something inspired by their childhood faves.
Frank went down the rabbit hole with Grace Slick and came up with a "fantasy mushroom salad." It made Gail exclaim "I feel like I'm in Smurfland."
Speaking of diminutive folk, Betty bada-binged the Wolfman, who kept pouting that Mike had turned down the frybaby and he couldn't cook his onion rings. And when he tried to psyche her out with his evil eye, she bada-binged him again by winning the challenge.
If I could have picked a winner of the challenge, Sam's exotic fruit salad intrigued me the most. But perhaps I was just distracted by — as Mia put it — his AshtonKutchery good looks.
top chef

The Dynamic Trio

2006-11-01T21:48:00.000-05:00

{CURSES! Blogger photo uploader foils again. So picture this: a green eyelashed, purple lipsticked Monique Coleman with her head looking down as partner Louis the Taskmaster King kisses her mile-high wig.}

Monique Coleman's Halloween performance was a ghostbuster indeed with the Dancing With the Stars fans. She and Louis got the bottom score, despite two strong performances last night.
Next week, the Testosterone Three take the stage in the semifinal round. Judge Len called Mario magnificent in a review of the dancers' styles. (Guess who he thinks will win.) He made a reference to his cockiness, and that Mario shouldn't take anything for granted. That hasn't been apparent to me. No one has been more consistently "magnificent" than Mr. Lopez, IMHO. For Bruno's sake, they've been rating his performances as if he were pro.
Tonight's show included a demonstration of Swop - a dance form that combines swing and hip hop. The way one woman was being bent around at the whim of her partner, it made you wonder if she was made of the same bendable stuff as Gumby and Pokey. Very cool performance.
After how many weeks, last night I just noticed that there has been someone standing next to Tom Bergeron talking with a microphone. Willy Wonka ought to say to her "Uh, you really shouldn't mumble because I can't understand a word you're saying." Her humor has the levity of a Humvee.
dancing with the stars monique coleman

Not a P Miller in the house

2006-10-31T23:11:00.000-05:00

Wow, no joyless, P Miller-style side-sliding on tonight's Final Four Dancing With the Stars. To use a Tyra Banks refrain, this competition is becoming "somethin' FIERCE!"
Faves:

All Mario, all the time. (Loved his "liquid" shirt look in that dreamy waltz. He wuz robbed on the scoring, though!)

Joey & Edyta's "Sympathy for the Paso Doble"

Emmitt and Cheryl's muy caliente rumba

Monique and Louis' rejection of taking things easy. But I much preferred their spooky tango to the gold hot pantsy Ghostbusters Cha Cha.

dancing with the stars

Chips off the 30 Rock

2006-10-26T22:17:00.000-05:00

There have been some good tossaway lines on 30 Rock. Here are two early faves:

TRACY: Freaky-deakies need love too.

JACK: I smell fried bologna all over you.

30 rock tracy morgan

Top Chef 2nd course: A case of lie cheese

2006-10-25T23:30:00.000-05:00

Otto, schmotto! How could I think that human porcupine was this Top Chef season's Pepper Monkey. (Forgive me, dearest Dave.) How cheesy was it to store the case of lychees (that's lee-cheese, not lie-cheese, oh spike-haired one) on that lower shopping cart shelf and then feign surprise that the cashier didn't see it.
At least Otto fell on his santoku for the honor of Team Korea and did the right thing — he left.
Best Wolfman quote of the episode: "I was totally stoked to cook for a badass sushi chef." Wouldn't we all be?
top chef otto pepper monkey

'Sir Shimmy' Smith

2006-10-24T21:23:00.000-05:00

Well, on a Dancing With the Stars evening of wow-full, tight competition (excluding the good humored court jester Jerry Springer), the dancefloor belonged to Emmitt Smith and his partner Cheryl Burke. Their waltz had such grace, their joyful mambo, as the ever drooling Carrie Ann Inaba said, made him into "Sir Shimmy." (Why doesn't she just wear a sign: "Take me Emmitt, I'm yours!")
Again, there was the awkward pairing of "contemporary music" with a dance. Tonight's was perhaps the worst! C'mon, how can you pasa doble to Duran Duran's The Reflex?!!! Kudos to Monique and Louie for dancing their darndest.
Jerry has been fun to watch, but the heat of competition tonight proved it's time for him to get out of the dance kitchen.
At this point, as Emmitt might agree, it's anybody's game. Boy are these celebs, to use a haggard phrase from The Apprentice, really stepping up to the plate.
emmitt smith dancing with the stars jerry springer

No-show Bo

2006-10-22T19:20:00.000-05:00

It's been a frustrating time for Bo Bice fans ever since he nearly won American Idol. On top of his loss were tour detours after he broke his foot onstage in New Hampshire and later needed emergency intestinal surgery after he collapsed backstage in Vegas. He emerged just in time to play AI's last gig in Syracuse. (I witnessed that surprise — he was fantastic, really rocked the house once he tossed aside his cane.)
Then came his AI-produced album The Real Thing. It wasn't awful. The production was way beyond his self-produced CDs. But it wasn't Bo. A telling sign was the fact that Web polls showed his fans' fave song on the album was Valley of Angels, one of the few he wrote. The powers that be initially wanted to keep his Sugarmoney bandmates out of sight. In other words, they were trying to undo that Muscle Shoals sound that is truly authentic Bo Bice.
I was very sorry to just learn Bo had to undergo yet another round of intestinal surgery. Geesh, poor guy. Here's hoping he makes a full recovery this time and can go on to record that one album we're all waiting for. It'll be bluesy, soulful, Whipping Post-ish rockin' good. And yeah, Sugarmoney will be in the studio AND on tour with him.
Hold on Bo, don't let them chances pass you by! God bless.
bo bice sugarmoney

30 Rock 'n' rules

2006-10-19T23:00:00.000-05:00

With the dreaded Curse of the SNL Alumni, I feared for the future of 30 Rock before it started. My fears were unfounded. It's got snappy writing and a great cast. Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan and all the others on staff blend very well. Of course they got me with the gratuitous reference to SUNY Cortland (Sportland to those in the know) when Alec was spouting off what he knew about the Ray Romano/bad Jay Leno impersonator guy.
I think the show has a promising future (especially when the Dancing With The Match.coms results show ends).
What I really appreciate is NBC replaying the show on Bravo. That's a smart trend that the old traditional networks have been following. Especially for people like me who need a life because they're too absorbed in other people's "reality" to catch all "their shows."
30 rock tina fey alec baldwin tracy morgan

Ahooooooo, werewolves of Top Chef

2006-10-19T12:49:00.000-05:00

Well my peeps, Top Chef is back. At first dice, it doesn't appear to live up to my wistful expectations of a Revenge of the Pepper Monkey. Although Otto looks promising as a potential PM wannabe.
There are other chefs who remind me of last year's kitchen staff. Sam is the obvious Harold of this season. How nice to see Mr. Perilla GorillaDieterle again. Wolfman Marcel is the obvious successor to Stephen the Snotty Sommelier. (But does he know his Traminette from a hole in the ground?)
There's no obvious Leigh Ann or Tiffani emerging yet. Glad the bulimic Sujai (was she named after a kata or what?) was the one to go tonight. Smart move to tell Colicchio you're clueless from the start. As for the others, I think the pig-tailed pastry chef could get on my nerves easily.
Let the cuisine art begin!
top chef marcel harold dieterle

Angela's fascist...

2006-10-18T12:27:00.000-05:00

...Wins Project Runway.
Jeffrey Sebelia, aka Tattoo Neck, took the crown with a hitherto unseen style in his collection. You could have called it the Softer Side of Sebelia, but then that would have been an oxymoron.
Bitter... me? Naw, I think Michael will do just fine. With all her new fame, I don't know if Uli will splurge and buy a new barrette or get a perm. And as for ole carrot top, maybe she'll dye her hair goth black and take a walk on the Sebelia side. She can join Angela's mom who may need to borrow some of Laura's straight pins for her Jeffrey voodoo therapy doll.
Until next Fashion Week... Auf, Auf!!
jeffrey sebelia project runway

Rumba coco

2006-10-17T23:24:00.000-05:00

Dancing With the Stars is turning into a match.com series. This season unlike the previous two seems to be sparking more than a little romance. There's Willa Ford and the get-out-of-my-mirror-view handsome Maksim Chmerkovskiy. There's sexy dimpled Mario Lopez and his Karina Smirnoff (while Eva Longoria lusts after "her friend" from the audience). And now, even Sara Evans who's left the show to divorce her porn-perve husband is hooking up with her "always Albanian" partner Tony Dovalani next year so he can "choreograph her tour." Of course... Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

But even the best of romance has its downside. This season's biggest turnoffs:
The throbbing-veined forehead of Joey Lawrence

The weird pairings of modern music with dances in which they have no natural beats in tune

Carrie Ann Inaba's embarrassingly freakish "end zone" dance for Emmitt Smith last week

Bruno Tonioli's constant references to Mario's ... ahem... endowments. Batteries???

Mario is my Pepper Monkey for this series. Ay yi yi!
dancing with the stars mario lopez

Pepper Monkey Eve

2006-10-17T22:35:00.000-05:00

Bless me blogosphere for I have sinned. It's been a MONTH since I last posted.
On that date I had the bugle beads to predict that Michael Knight would win Project Runway tomorrow. After typing that post, I read other blogs whose logic seemed to prove that I am an ignorant twit. C'est la NinaGarcia!
After viewing the episodes since my prediction I can hold my head up high and say he's the nicest contestant left (although Uli's tale of leaving East Germany to pursue the American dream was very touching). So we'll see tomorrow if Laura checkmates Jeffrey out of the competition and Mr. Knight wins the chess match.
Bravo is like a drug dealer shepherding his best heroin customer. No sooner will the final "Aufs" be uttered by Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn will set the designers on their merry ways to "Carry on," then Top Chef Season 2: Revenge of the Pepper Monkey premieres.
Bestill my heart!
project runway michael knight

Scrantonicity

2006-09-17T22:42:00.000-05:00

I never thought I'd live to see a TV show that takes place in Scranton. Yet, there could be no more perfect setting for the Yank version of the British hit, The Office.
When I watched the first show, it didn't do much for me. I should have stuck around. Eventually I got into The Office toward the middle of its second season. As Colin Farrell would say, "it's feckin' brilliant." The cast is perfect — so Scrantonian — and the writing is the freshest comedy on TV.
I just bought the second season on DVD and stayed up all night Saturday laughing me arse off, as Colin Farrell might say. (I don't know why I keep referring to him. Did he get drunk in that Scranton pub The Banshee once? Or twice? Or thrice?)
Anyway, it's great to have The Booze Cruise, Christmas Party and Drug Testing all within a DVD player's reach.
This DVD is so great, I think it deserves a Dundie. Don't you, Michael?
the office scranton dwight schrute

Michael Knight wins Project Runway

2006-09-17T21:10:00.000-05:00

So the Project Runway finale is at least two or three weeks away (if they do one of those chatty cast get-togethers again). But if you caught Jay Manuel's show on Style tonight that showed the last four contestants showing their work at Fashion Week, it was pretty evident that Michael Knight was the winner. Along with Kara Saun and another woman, Jay critiqued the four collections.
Rock Star Project Runway winner Jeffrey is a strong contender but likely second, with Uli third and Laura about to drop her baby.
I'm a bit surprised that Jay was able to show this video. I know I read blogs about season one but I don't recall ever seeing actual video outside the PR episode.
If this is the case, I'm delighted. Michael has consistently created beautiful garments and is always classy on camera. He deserved to be the champ, IMHO.
project runway michael knight

Who will be the next Pepper Monkey?

2006-09-07T22:38:00.000-05:00

I can't stand it. The second seasoning of Top Chef is but weeks away. This time the kitchen will be set up in LA, not San Fran.
Hold your spatulas... there's more switcheroo. Billy's Joel's missus, Katie Lee, has been dumped as the show's host. In her place is Padma Lakshmi, a veteran Food Network show host/supermodel who also happens to be Salman Rushdie's missus. Great. If Dave Martin thought he was cursed, at least there wasn't a fatwa against the show when he was on it.
(If anything bizarrely fatwaesque occurs, I'd blame the creepy Irish chef bounced on Episode One. Hide the Henckels knife block if that maniac ever comes over to stay!)
top chef

Razing Kayne

2006-09-06T22:33:00.000-05:00

Gather round my peeps, here's another grab bag of Project Runway stitchbitchery:

Michael Kors to Kayne:
"I think your middle name's gotta be 'Too Much.'"

Jeffrey describing Angela's skill level (on the heels of her ass-kicked swift departure from Paris):
"Artsy crafty macaroni-gluer."

Michael before showing his rough-ruched couture gown:
"I'm sweating like a whore in church."
project runway kayne michael kors

Funfight at the OK Carell

2006-08-30T12:57:00.000-05:00

As a latecomer to The Office, I must admit now that I have become obsessed with the work of Steve Carell. Maybe it's the pesky flashbacks to bosses from my past jobs that are triggered by watching the show each week. Haven't we all worked for a Michael Scott somewhere in our less than illustrious careers?
Last weekend I saw Carell's latest movie, Little Miss Sunshine. At one point I was laughing so hard my eyeballs were bouncing up and down and I couldn't see the movie. (Damn, that means I'll have to fork out another $8.25 to see what I missed.)
Anyway, this guy's the next comedic giant. According to imdb.com, Carell's real name is Carello. So he's a paisan — cool! Plus, anyone who stars in a sitcom based in Scranton is OK in my book.
steve carell little miss sunshine

A crack-wacky summer

2006-08-30T12:21:00.000-05:00

What was more bizarre about this summer:
A) Osama bin Laden's former sex slave Kola Boof (yeah, like that's a real name) divulging that he had a jones for Miss Whitney Houston. According to Ms. Boof (that's a hoot to say out loud, try it), bin Laden told her "that Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen." He was so obsessed, he wanted to put a hit on Bobby Brown. (Am I right that this may be the first proof of an al-Qaida/Mafia link?)
B) Ms. Boof also claiming that OBL's favorite song was Rock Lobster by the B-52s. (BTW, Saddam Hussein's favorite song is Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You. He used it for his campaign song. What is it about those guys? Once you go wack, you never go back?)
C) The media actually taking John Mark (Mullet King) Karr's claim to have killed Jon Benet Ramsey serious. Despite his serial killer three-name weirdo profile, this guy was obviously pining for a spot in the Creepazoid Hall of Fame. Sorry, but Wacko Jacko bought all the available spots left.
whitney houston kola boof john mark karr

Project Runway... Say what?

2006-08-18T00:18:00.000-05:00

Jay McCarroll perfected the art of tart bon mots on Project Runway's first season. Season three is simply WendyPeppered with Jayiety.

Consider these quotes:
Robert: "She's a beauty queen not a disco ball."
Bradley: "I'm a squid with no ocean."
Vincent: "Kayne has the taste of a love-starved hyena."
Jeffrey: "Supercalifragilisticexpialicrazy!"
Laura: "There's some serious ugly in this room right now."

And this weeks' winner...
from Vincent to Laura: "Why don't you put some Harry Winstons up your nose!"
project runway

Greetings from Namibia

2006-07-06T23:21:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the silence my peeps, but I was in Namibia bearing Johnny Depp's love child... Uh, actually my drive to blog was pirated away by the recent flooding of the Susquehanna. Harrrrrr!
Enough of the maudlin and Depp dreams.
Back to business.
So glad to hear the Emmys noticed the great work of President Charles Logan and First Lady Martha Logan (aka Princess Valium) on 24. Also glad Project Runway, featuring the Great Santino ~ the queen of stitch bitchery ~ received a nod. But where oh where was my beloved Pepper Monkey's Top Chef on that list of nominees? C'mon, a show where cuisine is fashioned out of trans-fat-laden convenience store comestibles? A show where a snappy sommelier lectures Junior League-ettes about masa, shizo leaf and yuzu? A show where no one's your bitch, bitch! What do these Emmy judges know about taste, anyway? Where was Chloe's nomination for 24? Ee-gads, this year the woman showed vulnerability (a one-night stand!) and emotion (watching that loveable schlub Edgar succumb to nerve gas). And excuse me, but Desperate Housewive's Nicolette Sheridan or even the crazy lady across from Lynnette's house had more range than Alfre Woodard. She's a fabulous actress but this year's inconsistent writing left her little to work with, IMHO.
emmys 24 project runway

Breaking News: GH to rise to the occasion

2006-06-26T22:14:00.000-05:00

Holy Shnikes! The SILVER wedding anniversary of Luke and Laura Spencer is but months away. (Gawd I feel soooo old!) In honor of the occasion General Hospital is going to awaken Laura from her catatonic state in time to smoosh a piece of cake in her beloved Luke's face. (So what if they're divorced. We know their love will never die.)
Who woulda thunk this timeless union began with a dancefloor rape? (To Herb Alpert's sleazy disco tune Rise, nonetheless!)
This will be like a class reunion of sorts. Names I expect to see on the guest list: Robert Scorpio (brought back from the dead); Scotty Baldwin (if he behaves and doesn't lunge for the bouquet again); Bobbie Spencer with that handsome Dr. Noah Drake on her arm; Drs. Alan and Monica Quartermaine (reunited, and it feels soooo good); Laura's parents, Rick (also not dead, turns out Laura didn't kill him and he woke up one day and found Bobby Ewing in his shower) and Lesley; those wacky Templeton sisters (Northern Exposure alum Janine Turner and real-life Mrs. Robinson Demi Moore) and what the heck, why not let Liz Taylor push her latest perfume "The Ice Princess."
So get there early my peeps. I hear Richard Simmons will be running a pre-celebration aerobics class in the Campus Disco.
luke and laura general hospital

Eddie's ready...

2006-06-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

...For that big bowl
of kibble in the sky.
R.I.P. Moose

eddie

Rather's departure as unexpected as triplets

2006-06-20T23:41:00.000-05:00

They've got a saying in Wink, Texas: if you want to get cool, drink hot coffee. Unfortunately Dan Rather thought they said "hot water." After Memogate, CBS was as friendly to him as an angry scorpion in the toe of a cowboy boot. They deep-sixed his contract faster than Paris Hilton loses a sex tape.
If there was someone to blame in all this, my guess it was Kenneth, whose frequency was as mysterious as Loch Nessie's whereabouts. Perhaps he held the authentic memos about President Bush's so-called military "career" that would have rocketed Rather's career higher than the Grateful Dead in Jamaica on spring break.
Instead the colonoscopy-pushing Cutie Couric is in like Flynn and 'Nam-tested Journalist Rather is out like gout.
He's a man who was born on Halloween, attended an elementary school called Love, covered history-making stories such as Vietnam, Kennedy's assassination, Iran Contra and even broke the Abu Ghraib prison abuse story. Such a storied career and he's brushed away like coke dust under Kate Moss's nose.
Courage. NO... curaje mi amigo.
dan rather

Connie Chung: Dull as melba toast

2006-06-19T20:28:00.000-05:00

"Uuggghhhh!"

That's what Connie Chung uttered as she rolled off a grand piano in the midst of her news talk show's swan song. Dressed in a gown borrowed from Ariel the Little Mermaid and singing in a key that made doves cry in Minnesota, Chung waxed clumsily about hubby Maury Povich's punditry skills. Here's a sample:

"Thanks for the memories
The thing I love the most
About hubby as co-host
Is all those other anchors were as dull as melba toast
The sparks really flew
Thanks for the memories
Now that the show is through
I've got bigger things to do
But Maury is back weighing in:
Fat babies, how taboo!
He can't get enough..."

That last line, do ya think it's a jab at Creepy Hubby Maury who it seems can't get enough (at least according to a $100M sexual harassment lawsuit he's been slapped with from an employee)?
Chung plopped onto the floor at the end of her torch song, in faux Shakespearean dramatic flair, extinguishing any shred of credibility she had left. She's no Madonna; she's no Marilyn Monroe. At least she'll keep the YouTube crowd content for awhile. Connie's performance reminds me of that Monty Python joke, "What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"
Chung dung, indeed.
connie chung

Desperate Meerkats

2006-06-16T21:43:00.000-05:00

So just when I think I'm weaned off reality TV and destressed from 24 for the summer, I surf across Meerkat Manor tonight. Aw, such cute and intelligent animals. This should be light summer fare.
WRONG!

This clan is D-Y-S-F-U-N-C-T-I-O-N-A-L, Akeelah!

Flower shows her power by reigning over the burrow. She's got three sluts for daughters who have a taste for that Meerkat Mambo King, Carlos and are filling up the burrow with their out-of-wedlock babies. Flower's other children let her newborn babies play in traffic (translation: under watchful eyes of birds with beaks the size of a Prius).
Then in a story line ripped from Shakespeare (who also has a bit part, dragging his sorry self home after a bad rap from Sean "Puffy Adder") we learn Flower's adoring mate Zaphod is her jilted lover's brother. {CUE: Scary wobbly chord on a pipe organ.}
And no, his name is not Earl. It's Youssarian. He's a bit Catch 22, but is more wigged-out Col. Walter Kurtz from Apocalypse Now.
In tonight's episode, he played "let's drag out the O-O-W grandchildren and see if they melt in the midday sun." Psycho killer, qu'est-ce que c'est? Then he threw his head back and chortled, "I love the smell of millipedes in the morning. They smell like victory. Bwoo-hahh-haaahhh!"
meerkat manor youssarian

Eye bags & Scalawags

2006-06-15T20:42:00.000-05:00

In what had the potential to be the biggest sparring match since the "Thrilla in Manilla," Leno had a sendipitous paring of comedian George Carlin and attention monkey Ann Coulter last night. Unfortunately, the repartee was more dippy than hippy. ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz! Yeah, so I slept through it. What's it to ya?
The thing that caught my eye was the lack of stress bags under Carlin's eyes.

Hippy Dippy Nippy Tucky?

In a real moment of hippy dippy serendipity, tonight I saw Mary Matalin on Fox and realized her suddenly smooth eye bags matched Carlin's. In fact, she kinda looked like him. So if Ann Coulter is really a man, maybe Carlin is really a woman ... MARY MATALIN! Yikes. Makes ya want to take a non-stop flight.
george carlin ann coulter mary matalin leno

Air NeoCon

2006-06-13T21:28:00.000-05:00

In the National Review, John J. Miller offers his list of the 50 greatest conservative rock songs. Miller says of his choices that "The lyrics must convey a conservative idea or sentiment, such as skepticism of government or support for traditional values."

In that vein, here are a few songs that might be better suited for the NeoCon Top 10.

For The Love Of Money by the O'Jays (Money, did some things, bad things, bad things with it...)
Maria Bartiromo by Joey Ramone (What's happening on Wall Street...)
Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival (The name says it all.)
Dream Police by Cheap Trick (An early ode to the NSA.)
Strange Brew by Cream
Under My Thumb by the Rolling Stones
Low Spark of High Heeled Boys by Traffic (And the man in the suit has just bought a new car, From the profit he's made on your dreams...)
Evil Ways by Santana
Whipping Post by Allman Brothers (I've been run down, I've been lied to...)
War Pigs by Black Sabbath
Sorry John Boy, but we retain The Who's Won't Get Fooled Again, as in (hopefully) the next presidential election.
john j. miller 50 greatest conservative rock songs neocon

Help! He needs somebody. Help! Not just anybody. HEEELLLLPPPP!

2006-06-12T22:10:00.000-05:00

It's been quite uncomfortable reading all the lurid accusations about Sir Paul McCartney's estranged wife. When he was younger so much younger than today, he never needed anybody's help in any way. He had a solid marriage with his vegetarian shutterbug soul mate Linda. It was so sad when she died.
After all his success as a Beatle, McCartney has achieved a comfortable status as beloved grandpa of modern rock 'n' roll. But as my mother always said, women mourn and men replace. And Sir Paul did rather quickly with a woman half his age.
We cut him slack when he married Heather Mills. Who are we to judge? Besides, the poor thing lost a leg in a horrible accident and did charity work for land mines victims. That's worth some bonus points. Right?
Well as the marriage disintegrated, so did the halcyon picture of Ms. Mills' past. Since their separation, the never subtle British press has painted her as a scheming golddigger, lesbo porn queen and menage a trois-er with arms dealer Adnan Kashoggi. Can you say lurid with a capital L?
On Heather's Web site, her sister Fiona offers a she-doth-protest-too-much snippet from their dark childhood, showing how their abusive father made Heather who she is today:
{CUE: Ride of the Valkyries} "He used his young children like slaves; we began working for him from a very young age, helping him to realise his dream of staging an animated version of Richard Wagner’s “Ring Cycle”. We were frequently forced to stay awake well into the night, cutting up slides, preparing his presentations and writing correspondence for him."

Wow, that's a Dickens of an explanation... a veritable Tale of Two Heathers. Maybe if we played a few Beatles albums backwards we would understand?
heather mills paul mccartney

Making music through fair trade

2006-06-09T21:18:00.000-05:00

The late Fr. Brian Zinnamon, S.J., (see photo) challenged his students at Strake Jesuit College Prep in Houston "to be as creative and enthusiastic in our charitable work as we are in our professional lives," Bill Nguyen said. You may not have heard of Bill Nguyen but my guess is you will be reading about him soon.
Nguyen and partner John Cogan have created a new concept in music trading. Their site lala.com offers a have/want CD trading registry. For $1.49, you can buy a used CD you've been missing from your collection. When you sign up, lala sends postage paid shipping enveloped to sellers. All CDs are guaranteed.
Of that $1.49, 49 cents covers postage and $1 pays for the CD. The cool thing about lala is that it will send 20 percent of that dollar to the artist, something that used CD stores are not required to do.

Each month, lala will donate a portion of its profits to the Z Foundation, named in Fr. Zinnamon's honor. This money will be used for "providing health and dental care that is often inaccessible to working musicians."

I like the sound of this concept and it's impressive that there are already 1.8 million titles listed in their registry.
lala.com bill nguyen

The Festivus for the Rest of Us

2006-06-08T23:00:00.000-05:00

Just one more hour 'til
DEPPSTER DAY.
Yes boys and girls, it's that special day when we don angora sweaters, run with scissors and get commemorative "Wino Forever" tattoos. Strum a few verses of Black Betty as you strut with your gypsy guitar. Go into the neighborhood cantina and order a large dish of puerco pibil, shoot the (breeze with the) chef and leave. For dessert have a nice vat of Chocolat, and purr like that Cajun chef Justin Wilson, "Ooh, look Pontouf, dats a lovely Roux."
johnny depp chocolat

Ann Coulter — Attention monkey

2006-06-07T21:36:00.000-05:00

There once was a pundit name Ann,
Who everyone figured for a man,
At 9/11 widow's she did scoff,
To feed at the bestsellers trough,
What's she, auditioning for the Klan?

There once was an Ann-man so mean,
like the bitchiest of bitchiest drag queen,
Her personal attacks were so scurrilous,
And her sense of authority so ridiculous,
'Cause man, she ain't no human bean.

There once was an Attention Monkey,
Who thought her ravings were spunky,
But this horse's ass,
Was just full of gas,
So that's why she's so funky.

ann coulter attention monkey

Giddy, yep!

2006-06-06T21:34:00.000-05:00

After Apocalypse Now and before Boyz in The Hood, Laurence Fishburne's tour de farce was a recurring role on Pee-wee's Playhouse: Cowboy Curtis.

Fishburne's golly-gee delivery of silly lines with an adult edge was one of the highlights of this creative kids show. Its writers included Paul Reubens and SNL great Phil Hartman.
Today came the good news that Cartoon Network will show all the PWP episodes made, starting July 10. They will be part of the Adult Swim lineup.
Boy howdy!!!
pee-wee's playhouse laurence fishburne cartoon network

Keith Olbermann crushes your head

2006-06-05T23:11:00.000-05:00

Keith, Keith, Keith. Now we know you detest, despise and really do not take a shine to that little bugger O'Reilly, but the tenacity with which you're bludgeoning him over his Malmedy "Fox pas" is bordering on I-Crush-Your-Head-guy-ish-ness.
Not that we're not taking delight in it.
keith olbermann bill o'reilly

Target: Icons

2006-06-03T20:04:00.000-05:00

Nothing says Oh, Canada more than Tim Hortons doughnuts. That's why an April 2 news story that was practically buried in the U.S. media had a different effect north of the border. On that date, a man went into the rest room of a Toronto Tim Hortons and set himself and most of the room on fire. Canadian authorities said immediately that it was not terror.
However, there are a couple key points to the story. First of all, the doughnut shop was next to the entrance to Toronto's biggest subway station and near the intersection of two of its busiest streets, Yonge and Bloor. Second, according to investigators there was evidence the explosive was not gasoline, as the public was told, but TATP — the same explosive used in last summer's London terror bombings.
So today we hear that Canada has nabbed a rogues gallery of 17 "al-Qaida wannabes" who had plans in place to attack several Canadian targets with amassed amonium nitrate (three times the amount used in the Oklahomas City blast).
Is there a tie between the two? Who knows. The Toronto Star did report that the investigation that led to the nabbing of these suspects began by monitoring their Internet activities where they were inspired to avenge oppression of Muslims. According to the Star:

"They travelled north to a "training camp" and made propaganda videos imitating jihadists who had battled in Afghanistan. At night, they washed up at a Tim Hortons nearby."

OK, so now I'm totally creeped out. Geez, it's pretty sad when you're afraid to have coffee and a doughnut in public.
tim hortons toronto terror

Axl to grind

2006-06-02T19:51:00.000-05:00

If you tried, you probably couldn't have imagined the recent smackdown pairing of fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger and rocker Axl Rose at a Manhattan club called The Plumm. How bizaarh, how bizaarh.

Now, thanks to these new sparring partners, we know it is possible to think outside the smackdown box.

So, my peeps, what other Twilight Zone-esque fisticuff combos might be fun to imagine? As Rod Serling would say, here are a few submitted for your approval:

Simon Cowell vs. Alex Trebek

Lindsay Lohan vs. Paula Deen

Eddie Izzard vs. Donald Rumsfeld

Haley Joel Osment vs. Yao Ming

Katie Couric vs. Bjork (in the swan outfit)

Keith Richards vs. Carrie Underwood

50 Cent vs. Tucker Carlson

Ann Coulterbeast vs. Alexis Arquette

weather god Jim Cantore vs. weathered goddess Liza Minelli

Starr Jones vs. Joan Jett

See, it's fun. Make your own list today!
axl rose tommy hilfiger jim cantore

The other inconvenient truth

2006-06-01T23:28:00.000-05:00

In an explosive article in Rolling Stone today, Robert Kennedy Jr. makes the following statement about the 2004 presidential election:

"After carefully examining the evidence, I've become convinced that the president's party mounted a massive, coordinated campaign to subvert the will of the people in 2004."

He talks at great length about why the final results puzzled exit pollers whose findings showed John Kerry had a commanding lead.
That election night, I "watched" the results come in, not on TV network news but on the Democrat and Republican blogs. There was an unbridled giddyness in the Kerry blogger camp when they compared exit polls across the country. And I remember the source of that joy was the fact that it looked like Ohio was "in the bag."
It will be interesting to see what is stirred up by Kennedy's article. These days nothing out of Washington would surprise me.
robert kennedy jr. 2004 election

Poetic justice — Dixie Chicks style

2006-06-01T20:47:00.000-05:00

So I suspect there are more than a few people getting a good laugh that the latest album from the Dixie Chicks has debuted in the No. 1 spot on Billboard's Top 200.
The group has truly been Taking The Long Way back into the spotlight since Natalie Maines made the mortal sin of criticizing the president (saying she was "ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas") during the War on Terror. How dare she! Next thing you knew they were pulling Dix Chix tunes from Bible Belt airwaves. The band's CDs, tapes and concert tix were dumped into trash cans at a Dixie Chicken Toss in Kansas City, Mo. Maines was made the 6 of hearts on the "Deck of Weasels" playing cards inspired by the Iraqi Most Wanted cards distributed to U.S. troops. A true sign she was Un-Amurican!

So I just bought the album. It's great. And as I listened the first time through I had to laugh to myself. There is no modern singer whose voice is more American-sounding than Ms. Maines.

Here's a bet. Their album-closing tune penned with Keb' Mo', I Hope, is destined to become embraced by the Peace Movement as its new anthem.
More proof that what goes around comes around.
dixie chicks

Killing them softly with Kobe

2006-05-24T22:34:00.000-05:00

All Hail Harold Dieterle, Top Chef. He wowed the Sopranos' Dr. Jennifer Melfi, bada-bing, bada-boom, with his Kobe/Kobe masterpiece.
Tiffani deserved to lose for two reasons. First, she lied to the judges about the dessert that was all Dave PEPPER MONKEY Martin's work. Grrrrrrrr. Second, hate the spelling of her name. Third, lose the Willie Nelson bandana. (So I lied.)
Now if Leigh Ann or my beloved PEPPER MONKEY had been in the finals, that would have been far more interesting. Kudos to Tiff for going full tilt with twice the required dishes, tho.
harold dieterle dr. jennifer melfi pepper monkey

American Idol finale: Cirque du So Lame

2006-05-24T22:07:00.000-05:00

Did you feel like you were watching a house fire tonight? You were mesmerized by the flames of weirdness yet feared you'd miss something if you surfed away.
Tonight's American Idol finale was a little bit Gong Show, a whole lotta Lawrence Welk.
Freakiest moment: When the spawn of Chris Gaines and Pee Wee Herman came on stage to sing a duet with the Clay Aiken wannabe.
WTF moment: McMeat Loaf???!!!!
Desperate Housewife moment: The Prince surprise.
We had the gratuitous Burt Bachrach salute. We had the e-coli-mari moment (nothing like spit out snail in a napkin to boost ratings). We had the William Hung Wacks Museum.
Oh yeah, that Taylor dude won. Whoo!
clay aiken american idol prince mcmeat loaf

American Idol tightwads

2006-05-23T21:01:00.000-05:00

With all the kazillions of bucks American Idol drags in from advertising and moychandizing, you'd think they'd be able to afford some good songwriters. Every year the finalists' first recorded song choice is gooey marshmallow fluff wrapped in cotton candy with maple syrup drizzled on top.
Yawn, predictable key changes and blecch, raise you up moment like this-vibed lyrics. Such dreadful dreck!

Despite that, Taylor Hicks whoo-ed the crowd tonight with his soulful rendition of Do I Make You Proud. The answer? Yes, dear Taylor, yes indeed.

Have you ever seen an AI tour show? Skeleton sets, Kmart costumes. 60 Minutes really ought to investigate where all the AI money is spent. Not on songwriters. Not on the tour. And you know it can't be on Simon Cowell's wardrobe.
taylor hicks american idol

You can't handle the truth...

2006-05-22T22:09:00.000-05:00

After one helluva day, now Jack Bauer's on a slow boat to China??? Does this mean the show will be renamed 48 or 72? (Or however many days it takes to sail to China from L.A.?)
Man, another unfulfilling ending. Unlike Mike Delfino, at least Jack got a farewell smooch.
I want happy people here, people. You better deliver Taylor on American Idol and Harold on Top Chef or it's gonna get pretty nasty here.
(Who's got Jack's techno-backpack-o-torture?)
jack bauer taylor hicks harold dieterle mike delfino

Finales, finally

2006-05-21T22:12:00.000-05:00

After this week I'm free baby. No more breath holding during 24 on Monday nights. No more enduring Ryan Seacrest's canned pineapple "banter." And no more Pepper Monkey on my Top Chef back. (Oops, he's already gone. C'mon Harold, you chicken winger, don't let yourself become that bitch's bitch.)
Just got through the Desperate Housewives finale. As Jerry Garcia would say, we were set up like bowling pins. When the show starts we think...

Oops SPOILER ALERT! That is if you're reading this in Fairbanks right this second. YOU THERE, AVERT YOUR EYES!!!

...Carlos Solis has bitten the dust. But no, he's shag carpeting the housemaid. Instead, now here's an original plotline, Mike Delfino gets...

KEEP YOUR EYES AVERTED THERE BUCKO

...dead or pretty close to it.
C'mon, couldn't Mike and Susan have enjoyed just one lousy smooch under the pretty paper lanterns before Mr. Season Cliffhanger had to spoil the party?
mike delfino desperate housewives top chef 24

Sprechen zie Gaeilge?

2006-05-19T22:28:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it's an election year. Could you tell by the three-cheers-for-the-red-white-&-blue legislation flying around Congress?
Today's buzz is that the Senate voted English as our official, common language. Cest fou! Why not choose something a little more interesting, a little more endangered.
I say, let's make Gaeilge (Irish Gaelic) our official teanga.
Here's a sample lesson:

Is maith liom Guinness.
(Iss my lum Guinness.)
I like Guinness.

Easy enough, right?
Let's try a little Spangaeilge:

Ar mhaith leat burrito?
(Air waw lat burrito?)
Would you like a burrito?

Piece of cake. Right?
Donde esta casa de Guinness?
english guinness gaeilge

The Ordinary Fear of TOFOG

2006-05-18T21:14:00.000-05:00

If there's one thing that's really stupid, it's media critics who assume a person in any creative genre can only be allowed to excel in that medium.
Maybe it's because many critics are not creative to begin with — like parasites they sponge their miserable existence off the success of others.
Truth is, creativity spills into all aspects of the creative person's life from the way they dress, cook dinner, to the way they arrange desktop music playlists.
Look at the drubbing Russell Crowe and his band TOFOG have gotten in mainstream American press. Sorry, he can only be a brilliant actor, not a music star too. DUH!

I'm here to TESTIFY (I know, gratuitous reference to the great song off My Hand My Heart) that not only is his music great, his lyrics haunting and poetic, but his band is one of the most electric bands I've seen in concert (saw them in August 2001 at the famed Stone Pony).

Back then they were Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts. Now with some new members they're known as The Ordinary Fear of God. (Very thoughtful of Russell for all of us with TOFOG T-shirts and bumper stickers.) Ignore the critics; make up your own mind about Russell Crowe's music. His wife Danielle Spencer also multitask's creatively. (What a beautiful voice.)
tofog russell crowe danielle spencer

Fear Factor du jour

2006-05-18T19:17:00.000-05:00

Need something to worry about? Here are some suggestions:
Strolling through Florida's Alley of Alligator Death. (Basically it's the whole darned state.)
Contracting the X Files-like Morgellons Disease on a visit to Texas. This mysterious disease causes lesions from which colored fibers grow. A common sympstom is the feeling that bugs are crawling under your skin. Fox Mulder, where are you!!!
Or, you can attend the GoreAlpalooza Fest, that is Al Gore's film about the global warming crisis, An Inconvenient Truth.
Good luck sleeping, my peeps!
alligator

Reality TV crap shoot

2006-05-17T23:14:00.000-05:00

My peeps didn't do so well tonight.
Elliot's gone from AI.
Dave the original "Pepper Monkey" blew his chance to become the Top Chef by cooking two and not three dishes for his final quickfire challenge. (Pass me the bottle of wine. I need a good snort.) Must say, I loved it when he reacted like he'd been hit by lightning when Tiffani tried to give him the so-sorry-your-ass-has-been-booted-off hug.
At least Danielle (I need subtitles for my Arkansasian-speak) won America's Next Top Model. (Man, was that runway walk setting in Thailand the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, or what?)
So I had a one outta three day.
At the beginning of AI, I made my Final Three prediction: Taylor, Paris & Ace. Again, one outta three.
Who's got those odds in the Preakness?
America's Next Top Model

American Idol is a bunch of ya-meanies

2006-05-17T22:45:00.000-05:00

Elliot Yamin.

How could you not love this guy? Genuine. An old-school soul singer. So un-Wonderbreadish. Alas, anyone with the courage to invoke the spirit of Donny Hathaway on prime-time TV would never get the AI tiara. What were we thinking?
He was shown the door too soon — just like Mandisa and Paris, the best other singers on the show. In an AI4 redux, we're left with the "sappy singing sweetheart" versus the "soulful Alabaman."
Taylor Hicks is a wheeze. Good pipes, great entertainer and easy on the eyes. WHOO! I'll hop on that Soul Patrol Train.
Kat "McSkeeve." What is it about that chick that bugs the heck out of me? If you had to define her with adjectives, genuine, modest and humble wouldn't make my list. She is very pretty, but in a cloying Miss America from hell way. She can belt out songs, but so could Ethel Merman. And why were those mean judges picking on her so? Was it because her voice drifted from the key and screeched in the fauxzone of Xtina too often?
You know she's heading for the silver confetti coronation next week. UGH. How long before she gets the Kelly Clarkson chunx highlights in her hair. MEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW!
Guess I feel a bit better after that purge. Thanks for humoring me.
Elliot, love ya man.
Elliot Yamin

Hamilton Beached Wail

2006-05-11T19:26:00.000-05:00

Yo dawgs, stick with me for a second. Suppose you take a couple basics of conspiracy theory, add a dash of pop culture and put 'em in the Hamilton Beach blender on puree. Whaddya get? How 'bout a whacked take on the events of May 9-11.
(Fasten your seat belts, this is gonna be a bumpy ride.)

What if...

The White House knew that USA Today was going to rip loose with the NSA phone call tracking story today, and so to distract the nation, Karl Rove had his goons rig the American Idol results!!! The 45 million voters would be up in arms and fugghedabout the fact that some NSA spook knows they voted for Chris Daughtry a gazillion times. (As if their votes really ever count.)

Yeah, you're right. I have been watching too much 24
(Anyone else notice those dates are 9-11?)
Chris Daughtry

Definitive moment

2006-05-11T11:36:00.000-05:00

Pepper Monkey (noun): A person who doesn't know when to stop seasoning, a la Top Chef contestant Dave Martin who shook too much of the tellicherry on his Truffle & Cognac Cream Macaroni and Cheese.
pepper monkey